A common concern of parents regardless of the age of their children is a dread of the inevitable teen years. I always cringe a bit when I hear the depth of the worry and fear expressed…as if it is a given that all teenagers will become completely unraveled and ruin their lives forever. This mindset is not healthy nor is it necessary. But mostly it is not fair to teenagers.

I am not discounting that there are in fact teenagers who do make poor life-changing choices just as there are teenagers who react and rebel to the point of creating complete chaos in their families. However, to anticipate a rough and rocky road is setting yourself up for a negative experience. What we think and focus on will become our reality!

Are you Prepared for the teenage years?

The truth is preparing for a smooth teenage experience with your child begins as soon as they are born. Parenting is a process of creating layers through each developmental stage complimenting each other and growing out of what has already been mastered. We have all heard the saying, “You can’t run until you learn to walk”. It is this same with the emotional growth our children go through. And it is the pattern that is used to build the type of relationship with your children that will see you through the teenage years and all of the bumps and detours during this time in your child’s life.

You can’t raise children having never established healthy communication skills and then expect them to open up and share all of their thoughts and feelings when they reach the teen years. Developing this kind of open communication bond begins at a very early age. Just as you can’t be a micro-managing parent making all their choices and decisions for them and then when they reach the teen years expect them to have the skills to make good choices on their own. Again, these decision making skills need to be implemented throughout each of their developmental stages by allowing them the opportunity to make age-appropriate choices.

The good news is that although it is best that you begin when they are very young, it is NEVER too late to begin implementing healthy and positive communication, problem solving and relationship skills and tools.

It is every parents wish that this time is smooth and positive for both their child and themselves. But we must consider several things that will play a key role in determining the success of your child’s teen experience. There are many variables that come into play when your child becomes a teenager…

1. Their personality type.
2. Their communication skills.
3. Their relationship with their family and their parents.
4. Their self-esteem.
5. Their self-image.

There are also many things parents can actively do to positively impact their child’s journey through this time that I refer to as their “transition years”. What so many parents dread is a very normal and natural process where your child is transitioning from being dependent upon you to becoming independent from you.

A typical experience of the unprepared parent…

Imagine if you will…You have spent more than a decade raising your child to be loving, caring, honest and trustworthy and from your perspective you have built a strong relationship between you.

And then one day you notice a divide occurring.

Maybe you don’t talk as much as you once did. After all life has become so busy with their schooling and after school activities and sports…But there seems to be a breakdown in communication even when you do talk it is now reduced to short one word answers that are often accompanied by a tone that you have never heard before.

Where there was once constant open dialogue there are now secretive isolated actions. You begin to feel uneasy. When you reach out to your child in an effort to find out what is “wrong”, you are met with responses like “nothing” or “I don’t know” or my all time favorite “whatever”! If you press on more often than not you encounter a push-back attitude that leaves you wondering just who this person is and where is your child?

Now you are in full panic mode so you proceed to make the BIGGEST mistake parents of teens can make…you push harder! And this is how the battle of the teen years begins!

Whether your child is a toddler, closing in on the teen years or already a teenager, you hold the power to direct the dynamics of your relationship!

These tips are designed to prepare you for a successful journey through your child’s teenage years and maintain the bond that was established in the first 10 or so years of their life.

• Do not buy into the generalization that all teens become monsters. It is important to remember we live in a universe of attraction and what you focus on and put your energy on is what becomes your reality. Envision what you do want!
• Don’t panic and feel as though this is the end of your relationship with them, see this time as a time of transition for them that they will get through. Remind yourself that the teen years are another stage of development each one of us goes through, just as learning to walk without holding your hand was or learning to be responsible for their grades in school. The teen years are natural and important and as the saying goes… “This too shall pass!”

Too often parents feel a sense of loss because of the distance that can occur in their relationship and fear they are losing their child. Often the shift in their child’s attitude and behavior appears suddenly and catches you off guard. When you take the time to prepare your parenting mindset for this time of transition you will be able to adjust your role in their lives in a way that will keep you off of the emotional roller coaster that is common during the teen years.

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Have you been told that you let our children get away with entirely too much? Is your parenting style constantly under attack by someone who disagrees with the way you do things? Are your children the ones who are left out of a lot of things because people don’t seem to want deal with them? Believe it or not, it’s likely your fault. There is a chance that you’re a pushover parent.

Signs and Symptoms of Pushover Parents

No one likes to admit that they are the type o parent that they often find themselves talking about with other. However, most people don’t even realize that they are. Being in denial is the worst thing because you can’t change something that you don’t realize. So, ask yourself a few questions.

Are you the parent that your children always come to when they want something outlandish? If you are, it’s most likely because even if you say no at first, you give them the chance to compromise; which means that you eventually give in any way. Do your children always winding up getting what they want in the end.

Do you find that you’re the one always making excuses for your child or children’s behavior; even when they are clearly wrong? How often do you save them from the consequences of what they have done? When you take away your child’s privileges, how long does it last? Or do you find yourself making exceptions for one reason or another.

If these things describe you, there is a chance that you’re a pushover. If your children are never held responsible for their actions, always get their way in the end and totally disregard your rules and regulations…there is nothing else to call it. You have to understand that continuing this kind of parenting can have some negative results.

The Pitfalls of Pushover Parenting

One of the results of this style of parenting is that your child may not have as much respect for you or your authority as they probably should. When your child knows that you will not stand your ground, they will not have any regard for anything that you set in place. Why should they, when you constantly under-mind yourself? In order for your children to take you seriously, you have to say what you mean and mean what you say. If not, there will be no parent/child respect.

Another issue that you will run into, without respect for authority being in place, is the blurring of the line. Being a friend your child is something that every parent wants. However, it’s important to keep the lines clear. You are a parent first and a friend second. When that line becomes fuzzy, you set yourself up for all kinds of disrespect, disobedience and sheer disregard.

Never Too Late To Change

Contrary to popular belief, it’s never too late to change your parenting style; even if your children are all grown up. Of course, it’s better to start when they are younger. Still, the most you’ll risk is that your adult children will either think you have finally lost our mind or be upset with you for a little while. Either way, you spent all of their lives loving them the best way you knew how. If their behavior isn’t indicative of any appreciation for all of the sacrifices that you made in doing so, change is mandatory.

The first thing you need to do is learn how to use the word “no”. It isn’t a word that parents want to say all of the time but there are times when it’s necessary. It makes no sense to allow your child to do things that you know you don’t approve of. In the case of adult children, sometimes they have to learn from their own mistakes. There comes a time when the cord has to be cut.

Second, you should always demand respect as a parent. No matter what the situation is, you should not allow your child to speak to or treat you in any way that isn’t appropriate. The longer this is allowed to continue, the worse it will become. You’re the parent!!! Don’t allow yourself to be abused by your child.

The last thing you need to learn is to stand your ground. Children are crafty little creatures and will pull out all of the stops to get what they want. Tears, tantrums and tirades should not be tolerated. Nor should they result in a reward.

As you can see, there are fine lines in parenting; that when crossed can turn you into putty in your child’s hands. When you allow child to mold that putty, they gain control of a relationship that should be headed by the adults involved. Don’t be a pushover parent. Put your foot down and take the reins. You’ll regret it if you don’t.

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Is it hard getting your kids up kids for school?. Since waking up early can be difficult, they should learn how to use one and be ready to manage their sleeping habits. Whether it is a digital or old-fashioned alarm clocks, it is now time for your kids to learn how to read and be aware of their time. A good way to begin is to buy them an alarm clock for them to use.

Most children who at the age of 4 often go to school already. Through the use of an alarm clock they should be able to determine clock reading and to be punctual with their time schedule. But what type of these clocks should you get?

The American Innovative Alarm Clock is commonly used by most children of today. From the world itself being innovative, it already connotes simplicity and not complexity. The price of these clocks usually range at $40 online but if you are too patient enough, you could get a lesser price for it. An American Innovative Clock usually teaches your child to read an analog face and traditional face. This also comes in digital read out.

Other types of these clocks like the fun types can also be used if you want to teach your kid some independence in the evening and morning hours. Meanwhile, a Blue Hat kids alarm clock has a projection light which lets your toddlers monitor what time is it during night time. This usually cost around $30 in retail stores and you can also find one through eBay or Amazon. Some clocks are cartoon-figured which is available on the market.

Alarm clocks range in different prices along to various sizes. Make sure to get those that are quality guaranteed and not those cheap ones which fail to work. If you are having difficulty in choosing a wide list of these clocks, you can always consult your friends, families or neighbors to ask their opinions.

Learning how to get up early is a good habit that needs to developed as a kid grows by age. It is actually becomes a responsibility not only for a kid but for an adult who goes to work in a regular basis. To ensure that you’re getting the best alarm clocks for your kids, be wise, patient and courageous enough to research and ask questions if you’re in doubt. Always remember, “Time is Gold”.

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I had quite clear ideas in my mind as to how I was going to bring up my kids. Discipline has always been on the top of my list anyway but I wasn’t sure how I would manage disciplining a baby. My first born was pre-mature so had own associated problems! However I soon caught up with the developmental stage and quickly realised that babies are not quite ‘that’ different.

When babies are born, they are new to the world and haven’t particularly learnt to respond to the new situations presented to them. They experience, apart from trauma of birth, light, touch, smell, warmth and hunger. They cry to get their lungs strong and start breathing in the air we breathe in. At that age as babies can’t communicate verbally i.e. talk, they develop other methods of communicating. They quickly learn that by crying, they can get attention, they learn that if they’re hungry and if they cry they will get milk. Similarly if they’re wet and they cry, they’ll get changed into dry diapers.

But how do they learn that – it’s due to consistent response by the parent/carer.

Adults influence babies through out the day without even realising it. I hear parents say, I am getting stressed because my child now won’t stay without a dummy (pacifier); sure, but who gave him/her the habit in the first place? The baby didn’t go to the parent and say, ‘Mum/Dad can I have a pacifier please? The parents decided to impose this habit onto the child and then when he/she gets used to it and actually is comforted by it, parents decide it’s time for him/her to leave the habit. Is it really fair on the child? I don’t think so.

As a consequence when the child has to go through the detachment from the pacifier, he/she will obviously be upset and as has not yet learnt to show emotions, what will he/she do? According to the parents, he/she will throw a tantrum.

Babies respond really well to routine and feel secure as it gives them predictability. They as a result become more settled and settled babies are happy babies.

As well as the routine, babies also pick up on how others respond to them in other situations. Take for instance, when an infant throws a cup down and parent/carers laughs, the infant thinks it is OK to throw it. He/she throws again but if the parent/carers does not find it assuming as the first time and responds in an annoying way, then the infant gets confused. But if the parent/carer is consistent from the beginning, the infant will behave accordingly… not clear yet…may be this example will help…

Say for instance, your infant all of a sudden needs cuddles at night. He/she cries, calls for you, and you then go and for comfort either take her/him to your bed or decided to stay in the room with him/her. What has the infant learnt here; he/she has learnt that it is OK to call for you as you will come and comfort him/her. Now, if you are called again the next night and respond the same way, the infant feels rewarded and is more likely to continue this behaviour.

These are general examples just to get one thinking about how we would react when infants act. In my opinion if we are conscious of our reactions, when our children present us with a situation, we can encourage the desirable behaviour in our infants/children. (ofcourse these are situations for children with no significant behaviour problems associated with medical conditions)

So, I feel, if parents/carers are consistent they can unconsciously discipline their child without even realising it.

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Some parents believe a child asking “Why?” is disrespectful. A child asking an adult “Why?” communicates the child considers themselves the adult’s equal with the right to debate/question motives, thinking and authority. I feel its okay for children to ask “Why?” because it recognizes their personhood, increases their understanding of the world around them and develops their reasoning and negotiating skills.

Barrier One – False Motives. A child’s motive in asking, “Why?” is to buy time, so they can figure out how to avoid doing what you’ve asked them to do. They don’t actually want to know “Why?” and by asking “Why?” they are challenging the authority and role of the parent.

This reminds me of Theory X School of management/authoritarian parenting style applied to children. Children dislike authority and will avoid it to the extent possible. Children must be continually coerced, controlled and threatened with punishment to obey. They have little or no ambition and prefer to avoid responsibility.

I am a proponent of Theory Y/authoritative parenting style with children. Children desperately want our leadership and discipline. I believe most children understand they are not adults and cannot have adult privileges without adult responsibility. Children deserve to be treated with respect at all times and trusted until they prove otherwise.

Barrier Two – Undermines Authority. When a parent starts explaining their reasons to their child in response to their “Why?” they are opening themselves up for a debate. Starting a debate undermines your authority because it creates a win-lose proposition with the child and the parent is always right never wrong.

I’m the first to admit, my twelve year old will channel Clarence Darrow if I give him half a chance. It’s essential to establish a firm boundary that once the discussion is over, and the final decision is made there is no more discussion – period. It takes two to debate and once the final decision is made I do not engage him in any more conversation regarding the issue.

Barrier Three – Disagreement. The child won’t agree. The only reason a parent explains why is to convince the child you are right in your response or even worse that you have the authority to give the command or request.

I feel its okay for kids to disagree provided it’s done respectfully and the child understands after listening, the adult makes the final decision. Having to explain why gives me an opportunity to validate my rational – I don’t feel I have to be right all the time. The times I’ve changed my mind after listening to my son’s point of view builds his self-esteem, confidence and teaches him skills like negotiation and compromise. These are skills he will need outside our home and when he’s launched into adulthood. Also, these are skills I would hope my son employs with his own children.

Barrier Four – Inability to Understand. Children are too young to understand your explanation. They won’t be able to fully even into their teenage years.

It’s an adult’s responsibility to communicate to the child at an age appropriate level to ensure their understanding. These types of conversations stimulate critical thinking and reasoning in our children, which is, a good thing.

Barrier Five – Safety. A child’s safety could be compromised by asking why. There will be times when you will need your children to listen to you right away for their own safety.

I agree questioning why is not appropriate where there is a potentially dangerous situation. I haven’t been confronted with this circumstance yet, but my son knows his mother and I can speak in a particular and distinct tone of voice that he knows he better listen for his own good.

Conclusion

The authoritarian parenting style demands absolute, unquestioning obedience. Children should be “seen and not heard.” I feel this parenting style hampers/delays a child’s maturity, negatively affects the child’s self-esteem, confidence and delays their education in life skills like negotiation and compromise. Having been raised by authoritarian parents, I can personally attest to what I’ve listed first hand.

Something else to consider is perpetrators of child sexual abuse count on the children not questioning their behavior when physical boundaries are violated. Although, I have no evidence to back my claim my instincts tell me children raised in an authoritarian environment may be more vulnerable to an abuser because of the emphasis on compliant and unquestioning behavior. Children are persons too they just don’t have as much experience as adults. Children should be allowed to ask, “Why?” in a safe, supportive environment.

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