Good Parenting

Dither and you’re dead? A little extreme? Yes, I know, I’m exaggerating a bit (again) but really there’s a lot of truth in this statement. How did I decide on this theme? Once again it was a chance comment from someone that set me thinking.

A few days ago I was talking to my colleague at work. She loves to go to dog shows with her deer hound — she’s won a lot of prizes (well the dog has!). Anyway, at a recent show the judge was nervous around the dog — you know how they prod and poke at the dogs at all ends of their anatomy — some quite personal interaction! Well, this lady dithered — I’m assuming that you know what dithering means, or is it a word only known in England? I don’t know. It means to be indecisive, unsure of what to do, non- assertive. With dogs it can lead to disaster, and the same applies when dealing with children. My friend’s dog is the most easy going, friendly animal you could ever meet — but she read the judge’s ‘dithering’ behaviour. What did the dog do? She growled — totally unheard of behaviour in her relaxed, laid back world. She didn’t snap or do anything really nasty, but she made it quite clear that she didn’t like this human’s approach. What did the judge do? She retreated commenting, ‘Oh, she didn’t like that’, probably blaming the dog along the way!

So what’s that got to do with managing children’s behaviour? The same applies as with the dog… dither and you’re dead! All right, not completely dead, but you get the meaning — it’ll certainly lead you on to shaky ground. The dog at the show story reminded me of a vital lesson I learned about dithering (or the importance of not dithering) not long after I started working with children who had potentially extreme behaviour problems.

Back then, I didn’t deal with children’s behaviour as effectively as I do now — I had an enormous amount still to learn. Jamie, a boy in my class was going through a really bad time — he was extremely unhappy. Anyway, he’d been in trouble in class and had gone outside. He picked up a discarded skipping rope and as I watched he put the rope around his neck and pretended to pull it tight. What did I do? In short, I dithered. I did nothing because I hadn’t a clue what to do. Luckily, another member of staff, far more experienced than I was at that time, took over. She purposefully walked over to Jamie, talking assertively, but not shouting, ‘Jamie, that’s really a very silly thing to do, let me take that away from you and make you safe.’ Not exactly what she said but pretty close. What was Jamie’s reponse? He just let her take the rope… her confidence and decisiveness left him in no doubt that she was in control and he was happy to let her take control of the situation. She removed the rope and continued to talk in a brisk, matter of fact but kind and caring way. Something similar to, ‘Oh dear, Jamie, what on earth would happen if you got harmed? You’re so important to your class — they’d all miss you terribly if you weren’t there. Come with me there’s a good lad.’ That was it, sorted!

I’m not saying that this solution is correct in all situations if you have a child threatening to harm themselves. Every situation is different and individual — what you do is dependent on your relationship with the child, the point of intervention and other circumstances.

What I am saying is that when dealing with children (and dogs too!) you have to learn to be decisive, in control, and be someone they can trust to keep them safe and secure. Children’s behaviour must be managed in such a way that ensures they can feel like this. It takes knowledge of behaviour management techniques so you have confidence to be able to manage (and even better, prevent) challenging behaviour. It’s really not difficult — read and learn about the strategies, practise them until they’re second nature and continue to use them consistently. Anyone can learn to manage children’s behaviour with confidence. Don’t be a ditherer!