Good Parenting

I can remember my mother’s words when I first brought my newborn daughter home from the hospital. “So…do you think you will have another?” My immediate response was, “No!” It was ten years of infertility and thirty hours of labor which prompted this obstinate reaction.

Trying to achieve another pregnancy would again put us on that infertility roller coaster we knew all too well. It was only due to the marvelous advancements in the areas of infertility, an excellent team of doctors and specialists who worked with us, and our very highest hopes that we were able to achieve this miracle in our life.

Today, wanting a baby and being able to have a baby are two different things, especially for the older woman. So ingrained in our thinking is the assumption that to parent is natural that we believe becoming pregnant is simply a matter of choosing when. In fact, most fertile couples do not understand the anguish of those who cannot conceive children. One of the most common and insensitive comments made to couples with only one child is, “You should feel lucky that you have at least one child.” Indeed we do! However, to these couples deciding how many children they would like to have is a personal choice governed by birth control. Infertile couples are not lucky enough to have this choice.

Now, three years later, I suddenly find myself wondering if we have made the right decision, to raise an only child. Although we could try the ARTs (Assisted Reproductive Technology) a second time, we have opted to remain a single-child family. Were we depriving her of a richer, more fulfilled family life?

To help us better understand our situation we created a list of pros and cons pertaining to raising one child.

PROS

* no competition or jealousy among siblings
* financially easier to raise one child
* child receives one-on-one attention in family
* there’s no guarantee that a sibling would make life better for her
* inheritance/savings is directed to only one child and therefore she will benefit financially in later life
* parents can spend more quality time with an only child
* no worries about a high risk pregnancy due to mother’s age

CONS

* more difficult to teach sharing and socializing with other children
* parents may feel guilty for not giving the child a brother of sister
* tendency to get too much attention and may become spoiled
* child may feel different because other families have more children
* no sibling to reach out to in later life when parents are gone
* parents may develop unrealistic expectations of an only child

Studies have shown that an only child tends to excel in areas of achievement motivation and self-esteem and aspire to higher levels of education, perhaps because of a more intense child/parent relationship. Researchers believe these children are motivated to high levels of achievement by high expectations from the parents.

By the time the child is three or four years old she becomes aware that many of their friends have new babies in their families. She may ask, “When can I have a baby brother or sister, Mommy?” putting even more pressure and guilt on the parents. At age five and six the child may enjoy going to school to be with other children and when not in school there may be increased pressure on parents to keep the child occupied with suitable playmates. At this age, school becomes more important and offers the child a chance to choose her own friends. Parents should allow plenty of opportunity to ask them home to play or organize friends to stay the night or weekend.

Each stage of parenting a child (with or without siblings) brings new joys as well as new challenges. Parenting two or more children usually means dealing with sibling rivalry at some stage. Parenting a single child can at times create a stressful relationship triangle between mother, father and child. He never has to share his parents with brothers and sisters and may be more dependent on them than a child from a larger family. “Sibling rivalry” is acted out between child and parent rather than child and sibling. If the parents decide to create a united front the child may feel like he is fighting a losing battle and give in too easily. On the other hand, if the parents give in too much to the child, he may always expect to win and get his own way. This could have negative effects as he grows up and learns to interact with peers and other adults outside of the family circle.

Marilyn Turner has been a social worker for over twenty-two years. She has worked with many different kinds of families, including single-child families. “A lot of only children struggle with perfectionism,” she says. “Their natural incline is toward perfectionism because they are always trying to be as good as their parents, rather than comparing themselves to siblings who have not yet perfected anything and are closer to their own learning and growing level. As teenagers, they may give up and become discouraged, developing low self-esteem.” Her expert advice to parents of only children is to help them become better decision makers and try not to compare themselves to their parents. “Onlies are very ‘should’ laden, meaning their parents often tell them what they should do or say.”

Gaye Gemmell is an elementary school teacher and is currently teaching grade four. During her many years of teaching she has noticed that only children tend to be more dependent on the teacher in their learning. “They’re generally not used to waiting for their turn and have a need for instant attention. However, they tend to do better in some subjects because they have more help from their parents.” When asked if they work better in groups or on their own Gaye explains, “They seem to work well in groups as long as they get along with the others in the group. Often they lack the conflict resolution skills when they’re in groups.” She concluded by saying that they relate well to adults and express themselves well through a high level of vocabulary.

For those of us who are doing parenting for the first and only time, our choices have overwhelming importance. Having only one child means there is not the chance to make up for our mistakes down the line. There aren’t other children with whom to iron the kinks out. Professionals interviewed on their definition of a good parent warned that what they see over and over are parents who are not setting limits for their children. A parent needs to set boundaries as to what’s okay and not okay to do and to set those limits in a firm but respectful way. Parents of only children should be particularly careful on “over” issues, such as overprotection, overpraising, overtolerance and overindulging.

Thirty to forty years ago the average family consisted of 3 children. In recent years this average has dramatically decreased to only 1.2 children per family as a result of postponed births as women establish their careers, more effective birth control, increasing costs of raising children, and a rise in infertility among men and women. The percentage of one-child families has risen to levels comparable to those of the Depression years, which saw a sharp increase in small families due to economic constraints. The U.S. Census in 2000 revealed one-child families now account for 30 per cent of family units, or 16 million only-children. Census reports also show that 1 in 6 women will be the mother of an only child by the end of her child-bearing years.

Information and advice from other parents can be a great source of inspiration. I spoke to several mothers of only children and here’s what they had to say:

Laurie, a working mother of one five-year-old, has no interest in having more children. “I can’t see myself starting all over again,” she says. “I am more interested in helping an older child as a foster parent. I would also like to focus on my career which would be difficult to do with another baby to raise. Right now I’m very happy focusing all my attention on only one child.”

Amanda, another working mother, had her first baby when she was 38 with the help of assisted reproductive technology. Her child is now three, and Amanda would like to have another. But she accepts the limitations. “If I do not conceive soon,” she says simply, “we will be just as happy raising our only daughter.”

Grace is a stay-at-home mom who is raising an active five-year-old. “I find it difficult to keep up with the social demands of an only child. Before my daughter was in school I took in a child during the day as a playmate for her. Now she’s in school half days and the social interaction still isn’t enough for her. She still wants a playmate for the other half of the day. I also enroll her in extracurricular activities to keep her interactive with other children. Sometimes I think I’m busier with one child than others are with two or three.”

Nicole is a working mother of one two-year-old. She thinks it’s harder to be a stay-at-home mom than it is to be a working mom. “I choose to be a working mother,” she says, “and I find it hard to juggle my time raising one child. We have now employed a full-time nanny to care for our daughter. We’re happy with only one child, it has definite advantages. I have decided to have a tubal ligation to prevent any more pregnancies.”

Parenting is a definite eye-opener. The hardest lessons I’ve learned have been of patience, responsibility, selflessness and being able to see the world through my child’s eyes. I’m thankful for the birth of my daughter. The whole experience has moved me in a way that has greatly enriched my life. I’m confident that our decision to raise an only child is the best one for us and our daughter and I look forward to giving her my unconditional love and devotion for the rest of my life.

Copyright © 2009 by Lisa Azimi